Nocturne Prince

For Mickey…

유천씨한테…

Do you remember that little incident at Gimpo airport where you dropped a fan letter..? I couldn’t count anymore how many times I watched that video. I was angry yet sad…

I weren’t a big fan of DBSG. Even though I have known your band since 6 years ago. Yeah, since the first time you and other members debuted as Dong Bang Shin Gi. I still remember when I read the tabloid and my eyes were into JaeJoong and I said “Oh.. So pretty, so my style” but I never had any interest at all. I didn’t know why… Infact I’ve been into K-Pop for almost 9 years.

All started when I watched variety shows of my idols and you appeared there too. I watched the video on the backstage where you laughed and smiled happily. I think I was a bit interested at you and the other DBSG members. I started listening to DBSG’s music. I’d honestly say that not all of DBSG’s songs were good but I liked some songs. I used few of DBSG’s ballad songs to help me reading in Korean. I searched anything related to DBSG. I downloaded shows where you guys appeared there.

Then I saw you cried… I saw you cried when telling how hard your life was before the DBSG’s days. I was so much touched… My life wasn’t so much different from you. I even could say my life was more horrible than yours. Yes… sometimes I felt like my head and heart were going to explode… I really wanted to scream as loud as I could… I wanted to run as fast I could. Your tears gave me the inspiration to try harder in my life to reach my dream. That moment, I realized… I started to love you… Really admiring you…

But all were destroyed when I saw that yellow envelope on the floor… Why did you do that…?

I’d not say that what your fan did was right. I knew she was wrong to put that letter in JaeJoong’s hoodie but did you need to do that..? I also watched few fangirls who were smacked because they were too close to you… Was that the price that had to be paid to love you… To love one Mickey…?

When I want to send a letter to my idol, I always ask to my own self… Will he read my letter…? I don’t know but I know there is always a chance for that.

But now after seeing you dropped that letter, I lose my hope that stars like you guys will read my letter. I lose my faith… Fan’s letter doesn’t just contain the word “I LOVE YOU”. A letter could be contain support for their idol. The thankful and grateful feeling or words are not just done by buying albums or attending a concert.

I was in dilemma whether to support you again or not. One side, I was disappointed seeing what you did. I never admired artist who didn’t care about their fans but in other side I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw you were acting silly… when you smiled.

The main thing was you were already on my prayer. Yeah… Each time I prayed I never forgot to mention your name and other four DBSG’s members.

One week passed… One month passed… Ok… You still had my support.

But know what else again…? You grabbed your fan’s camera…??!!! I couldn’t believe this!!! Come on… 유천씨..!!! What the hell was wrong with you…?? I almost couldn’t think of anything about you after I watched that.

Where did all the cute and nice things go? Where did the innocent act that I often saw in you? Where was the tear when you made other felt the sympathy for you?

Ever since then I slowly lost my feeling in you. Everytime I saw DBSG’s video, I was curious but my hand never ever wanted to open it. It felt like so heavy. 유천 씨~~ you made mistakes. That was all.

For all DBSG boys, honestly I’m kinda sad to say this but I stop supporting you guys. One mistake… fine. Two mistake … okeii. Now? No… You’ve been in music industry for almost 6 years but seems you haven’t yet realized how fans (Even though yeah, some are annoying) are so worth it. I might still listen to few of your songs but that’s all.

To be honest… I’m thinking and feeling a little bit worried… Will you hate me after reading my letter…? I know, if DBSG loses one fan, it’s not a big deal. Since yeah… there are lots of your fans who love you to DEATH. I take the risk. In my mind, if you don’t hate me, it means you know that you’ve done something wrong but if you hate me, then it means more worthless for me to continue supporting you. Beside, if the one that I admire makes mistake, I rather tell him/her than accepting everything like they are sinless. That is what you call a BAD fan.

Don’t worry… I’m not going to be an anti. It’s not easy exactly to hate people but I might more like not to give a damn anymore on anything about you and DBSG. I just hope you guys will change it. If you think being in SM makes you like having no life and no identity then you can move to other company. It depends on your guys selves. Dare or dare not. Please stand on your own and be your self.

If I sound offensive. I’m so sorry. 너무 죄송합니다… Not even a little I intended to because you guys are the people who ever made my day is not deniable. Good Luck~!

11th

Today 11 years ago… Yeah… the day hide was gone forever…

I am remembering the first time I fell in love with X Japan… Fell in love with hide… It was back in the year 2005… Yeah… I was the new generation supporter of X Japan.

I often heard about X Japan but never really listened to their songs until one day my brother brought the copy of their 5 albums. I couldn’t accept it immediately. Their music was just so deep but I kept listening to it.

One day my brother was playing the song Tears by The Trax. I was trembling when I heard the melody. “Isn’t it X Japan’s song??” From that I got used to all their ballad and rock songs and I just realized how beautiful their music was. How great they composed and played the songs. It was just awesome!

The Last Live was the first that I watched. It was great! Awesome! I loved Yoshiki but fast I fell in love with hide too. He was a player on stage that you couldn’t ignore. I started looking anything about them on the internet. I knew that hide had already gone even though I didn’t remember and know why I could know that. But I was extremely shocked when I knew the way he passed away.

Those days were grief days for me. Tears kept falling down. I lost my voice to sing for about 3 years. I couldn’t sing because when I was sad when remembering about him, I started singing X songs, following Toshi screaming. That was insane really…

I often woke up with swollen eyes. People who didn’t know might think that I was crazy but I couldn’t deny the feeling I had. I did feel that life had ended. That happened for months…

I think it’s been a year I didn’t listen to X Japan’s, hide nor Yoshiki’s songs. Each time I listen to their songs, I start to remember that he wasn’t here anymore. Few days ago I was managing all files in my PC and came to hide’s folder. There were videos from ALIVEST DVD. I played my favourite song Tell Me. My heart started beating fast and I kept inhaling and exhaling. It was really sadden to think that he wasn’t here.

Until now, it’s still a grief. I really want to remember the good and positive things about him when I listened to his songs. He was such a great composer~!

Brother… Are you live happily now…?

Give Back Her Camera!

Couldn’t believe!! I am totally speechless!!

Mickey… you were so bad and what was that? JunSu was smiling to that attendant? Being so cool infront of his fans but smilling like that to her. 아~ 나 진짜 미치겠다!! Geez! You did care about your fans? Did you? BIG LIES!!!

You guys are BIG stars?? You are so much OVERRATED!!

Insanity

Uh… I feel like going crazy… Seems like there are so many unending troubles…..

But the main problem is I must not go crazy… I’d rather died instead of being in an asylum…..

Fuh…. When will this end…..

And I miss him so much…..

I still often dream about him though a year has past. Few weeks ago I dreamed I was stroking his face… but suddenly it turned to Big Bang SeungRi’s face!

Blessed all animals around the world….

Terribly Shocked

I watched this video for about 20 times! Yes I did it! At other video I was watching very detail whether he dropped the letter or not. I guessed he did…

Do you see how the security guards pushed those girls? The second girl the security pushed, ok maybe that girl was almost grabbing JaeJoong. Even though I still think that they didn’t need to be that hard. But the first girl, she didn’t do anything but the security pushed him so hard. She even seemed to be pretty shocked with that.

If you see that video, it was very obvious that it was not very crowded. No, it was not. Even when Yoshiki went to Korea, it was a lot more crowd at the Airport than this.

In the end… I was shocked, disappointed and speechless.

How could he do that?

Yes, maybe you have to give them time for their own selves, but “dropped” the fan letter? Ah…

Fans said they were so tired. So it was just right for them to do that but were they that weak that couldn’t hold a piece of paper? He even could take the letter from JaeJoong’s hoodie.

Fans said that it was rude to put the letter in JaeJoong’s hoodie instead it had better to gave him directly. But from what I saw, there’s another girl who gave a letter to him but he didn’t want to take it. Even he didn’t want to see her at all.

Fans said it might be a dangerous gift from the anti-fans. What could it be in an envelope? A bomb? It was not a box or package… That girl’s face looked so happily, guessed she hadn’t realized about the letter.

Fans said that it was nothing wrong for him to drop that letter but who said that DBSG were also human…? All of you said that. If human did mistake, why didn’t guys admit that?

Okay, maybe that girl was a bit wrong but is it right to drop that letter? He could keep it and handed it to JaeJoong after it. Fans were wrong either him and DBSG management. All of them.

I can’t believe, a “big” star like DBSG had to do the boarding just like an usual passenger. You guys were so scared about anti-fans but you guys let them walked in a public place. I can’t believe that there’s no other way to get in the plane.

Fans insulted the fan and kept defending DBSG even though there’s an evident. I am disappointed by what he had done. And I’m even more disappointed of how DBSG fans behavior who still defended them. For me, anti-fans and the fangirls of DBSG are just the same. They are nothing different.

Anti-fans : Hate Them so much.
Fans : Praise them like something holy where they can’t be touched.
Fangirls : Praise them like God where you always want to be with them everywhere.

I was not a big fan of DBSG before. Even though I had seen them since the first time they debuted. I wasn’t really interested at them at all. It started when I watched Korean variety show and behind the scene video of them. Ever since then, I found my self have been attracted by Mickey YooCheon’s personality. I don’t know why. It’s something that I can’t explain. I’m just starting to love him…

To be honest… I was touched by his tears… Of how hard his life was before the DBSG days. It gave more inspiration to try harder in my life…

But today… I got a mixed feeling. I realized I feel disappointed, really angry and really sad. This video has stuck in front of my PC since this morning until now…

I like DBSG… but I will not close my eyes for this. Even though it’s hard…

너 어떻게 할 수 있었어요…??!!!

A Better Day

Geez… December 31st…? Wow! Don’t you feel time fly so fast…?

Yes… Time flied fast but many things happened this year. I lost my 2 grandmas… Yeah… in just 5 months time, they went away from my life. There will be no grandmas who will cook my favourite vegan food…

I lost one of my lovely animal-brothers… I miss him so much…

I lost several animal-friends… I feel so sorry…

The death of three artists whom I watched the movies…

And 재원 오빠 incident made it even completed…

Everything happened so fast. Everything happened in one year…

I feel like going crazy now… This little brain might explode in a second…

I know… there is no time for sadness… and yes… It’s not the time for playing anymore…

I do feel there’s a bit changing of who I am. I meant I am still me but I do feel that I have more courage to do what I have to do. All I wanted to do had always been canceled by my own self. It’s the thing that I always regret. That’s why I am trying hard to do all that I can do now.

I wish that I could be led to my dreams… my goals… Oh… God…

For yesterday… I felt older. I’m not young anymore…

For tomorrow… I wish a better day… A truly better day for all that I love and care… For all of us.

Good Bye 2008! Happy New Year 2009!

화이팅…!!!

Fighting!!!

I’m shocked! 1000 times more shocked than the news about Tony’s army entering! Jae Won was accused by a female trainee for a rape case and she withdrew the appeal because it’s a misunderstanding! Oh Gosh! WTF!!

It’s ridiculous!

If that girl didn’t remember anything, she woke up and directly went to police station to sue Jae Won, it’s crazy!!! She should have gone to hospital to check her self! Not to the police station!

Think of it! If she only could think about a rape. Then why did she hang out with 3 older men and have drunk?

That girl didn’t know that it was a prank, it meant she remembered anything that happened the last night.

If they had sex with their own desire, why she sued Jae Won?

If they did have sex by force, why she withdrew the appeal?

It’s really stupid! She didn’t know anything but sued Jae Won to the police. She knew what happened but she withdrew it. It’s non-sense!

I myself will say “I believe Jae Won wouldn’t do such a thing” But I won’t make it as a top reason why this girl is a jerk! You can see it. Whether Jae Won lied or not, if she was really raped and it hurt her dignity, why didn’t she continue? She really can destroy Jae Won image with her lies. And made her self as a victim.

It’s really good that Jae Won took you to the motel. I’d be disappointed if he took you to his house!

That girl doesn’t deserve to call Jae Won “oppa”. He would never be your ‘Oppa’! You talk like you are a very kind-hearted girl, “I sincerely hope that this would not affect H.O.T’s reputation and Jae Won’s solo activities”. Fuc**** Shit! You have ruined him!!!

I really want to see that girl’s face! It’s very easy for her to sue and withdraw it!

I’m mad yet sad… Sued for a rape case… Uh… It’s really a serious thing.

Poor him… It must be hard for him this time. I can’t imagine how is he feeling now… 오빠, 나 믿어요… I believe in you. 오빠 화이팅!!!

Right Here Waiting

I’m terribly shocked… Tony had entered the army last November 3th without telling it to anybody except his manager. He’s going to be at Chungnam Nonsan Training Center for weeks the he’s going to serve the military under active duty. I feel like crying now… He might not want to worry his fans so he kept it quiet but it’s precisely making me worried.

Before entering the army, he had prepared an album consisted his previous songs plus one new song. It’s going to be released in Dec 1st, 2008. I’ve preordered it since its going to be a limited edition for 5000 copies only. I wish he tells us something in this album why he stayed silent while entering the army. Because he said nothing to all his fans and it’s really a sudden I heard the news that he already entered the army.

To be honest I feel a bit worried about him. Eventhough he’s a member of popular band H.O.T. and jtL who did lot of energic dances, in variety shows like X Man for example, he seemed physically weak. He often lost when it came to physic game. 미안해… It’s not a humiliation. Infact it made you even more cute and made me love you more… 귀여워..!

But I’m happy cause he’s at one location with 우혁과강타오빠. There should have been 재원과희준오빠 too. Just a wish… Since 희준오빠 was already out from the army

오빠… No matter where you are placed there. The desk job or in front line… I wish you can do it. I’ll always pray for you. I’ll be waiting here until you finish your duty and comes out as a real man.

H.O.T. 오빠들… 화이팅!!!!

Toshi and Masaya

It’s taken from Toshi’s blog at MySpace. If you wish to directly go to the blog page click here.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Title :About my new song “EARTH IN THE DARK -Leaving for the Blue Sky”
Current mood: calm

A new song is now ready and will be available on my official website exclusively for my fans since April 1st. MASAYA composed and produced this song for me, which is a musical fusion of the rock music from my earlier 10 years music history and the healing music from my latter 10 years.
And I will be singing as XJAPAN for 3 consecutive concerts at Tokyo Dome tomorrow.
Well, I have seen so many things happening to me so far.

I had so many supports from my fans as a vocalist of the rock band 10 years ago.
To tell you the truth, however, I was so fed up with everything about myself. I felt so wild within.

I was naturally looking for something to heal my heart. I was inclined to listen to so-called healing music which was not so popular here in Japan at that time. However, I was not satisfied with any of those still.

Some day in ’96, while I was back in Japan, I came to be fascinated with a music CD which I happened to find in a record shop. My heart was filled with some warm feelings every time I listened to the songs. Tears kept falling. I felt at rest. I felt my energy flowing anew from deep within. It was such a life saving experience for me.
it was for me a real encounter of the true healing music,
and the album was “Itoshiki Inochi no Uta” by MASAYA.

I gradually came to think I want to sing these songs now which saved me and started thinking seriously of a change of my musical direction toward such style of music.
That’s why I requested MASAYA to produce my music.

I was faced with much difficulty as my close relatives were against this change of direction. Now such healing music has been remarkably popular these days to surprise those who were against it then. My change of musical direction was sensationally taken up as something “cultic” or “brainwashing” by those who never tried to understand me or had no heart at all. I was so sad.
Since then, whatever I said, they seemed to fabricate false, religious, cultic images of mine and talked ill about me a lot.

Neither I nor MASAYA is not such kind of person, and both of us hate to be one.
I had no one to tell my truth, I had no words to express myself, since they wouldn’t listen to me. They seemed to be interested in their own understanding of my image.
That was such heart-breaking experiences I had in those days.

Media repeatedly reported MASAYA as if he had tricked me or brainwashed me.
I feel totally sorry for him just because I loved his music.
I was totally filled with disgust and frustrations.

In spite of any adversity, one can still go beyond.
However hard a life can be, one can still live positively and sincerely.
I was inspired and encouraged by MASAYA, who was always trying to live like he advised me.
I had come this way with much support from hearty and considerate people who dared to help me in whatever misunderstandings or slanders they had to encounter because of me.

I also had various exchanges by visiting various welfare facilities and giving voluntary performances and talking with the people there.
I learned a lot from the tears of elderly people, children and those who were pondering on their lives and dying at hospices.

Thanks to the people who lived various lives, which I never knew before,
As they heard me singing and felt healed, I also felt healed and energized myself.
I learned the music of truth reaches the heart of all people beyond time and space, in spite of any differences or boundaries, and overwhelms any kind of fashions or trends.
I really feel happy that I have been able to meet such people and to sing the true healing songs for them.

With such heart-warming experiences as “Heart Center” of mine, I will present you this new song “EARTH IN THE SKY -Leaving for the Blue Sky-” to continue further to realize my new visions.
I hope you will like it.

27 March, 2008

Toshi

Oh Gosh…! Thank you Toshi for telling us about this. How relieved and glad I was when I read your blog about this issue. I was tired dealing with people who insisted that you were brainwashed.

I always believe that Toshi wasn’t brainwashed. I believe you weren’t a fool. You knew what you did and you did nothing wrong with your choice. Now, you are back with X Japan and you are still with Masaya.

All of you, who keep spreading this irresponsible issue, stop it. Accept the fact that Toshi left X Japan because he wanted it. And stop insulting Masaya. I’m not a fan of Masaya, but insulting and talking bad about people, like they are criminal really not right. Moreover you were told wrong issue.

Love Toshi? Let’s support Toshi!

One Day…

I miss Bogel… really miss him… Ok… how can I not..? When I woke up… and once he knew it, He woke up too. He waited for you in his cage, waiting for you to set him free. He liked to sing along with the music from the bakery seller that always cross my house everyday. But I didn’t hear he did it anymore…I held him almost everyday. Imagine how you held a human baby… that was how I held him. He’s just like a human baby and he could sleep on your lap for hours without caring of what happened surround him.

Few days after his passing, I read a newspaper. One of the articles said about Beckham’s new tattoo. It was written in Chinese which means… Live and death, each had its own destination, successful is in God’s hand… I started thinking, might be his passing because he had another family that he’d make happy. Just like the happiness he gave me. Yeah… he’d been with me not more than 7 months I think… but he gave me a lot… really a lot and I thank you for that.

Few weeks ago I dreamt I was holding him. Yeah… holding him just like what I did in real life. Even though in that dream, a woman (I didn’t know who) there was realized that he’d gone (and I knew it too) and she was questioning how I could still hold him… The next week I dreamt about him again. I dreamt I was feeding him by a spoon to his mouth. And I called his name… Bogel. But who I fed was a human baby! Yeah a baby boy, a white baby boy… and I called him Bogel…

Maybe I could dream this cause this was part of my wishes for him. But I really hoped this dream was a good sign and it tried to tell me that he’s just fine. I really wish and want to believe it…

If you’re born in a new family, I pray that that you’re born in a family who loves you so much. A family that will take care of you and give you all the affection you need cause you really deserve that.

Wherever and whatever you are… Be good. Your spirit and your joy are the greatest things of you… Whether you’re in heaven or born in a new family… I always wish and pray that love, happiness, joy and peacefulness are always with you.

I might be regretting for not taking care of him better. But I still want to thank… Thank you that I found him that day when he was alone under the house on stilts. Thank you… When the day he passed away, I was with him even not for a long time. (I was ready to go for some necessity that moment, but I canceled it when I saw his condition). Thank you for sending him to me. Thank you God… and thank you Bogel…

One day… We meet again… One day…