Nocturne Prince

Keep Smiling

hide’s smile was the most beautiful smile that I’ve ever seen. Exaggerated? No. well I couldn’t say that he smiled like an angel. Cause I’ve never seen an angel’s smile before. The happiness and bliss were really shown on his face. I see no falseness. Everytime I see his smile, I’ll smile and cry. His smile warms my heart and I only can see his beautiful smile on TV!

There’s one laugh that I always remember is the moment when he laughed after playing a part of Celebration with his guitar (in the concert that I had said in my previous blog-Tokyo Dome 1992). I don’t know how to explain how he laughed. He just suddenly laughed. Just like someone (well I think it’s Yoshiki) had said something to him and made him a bit shy and laugh. it’s really funny. And it’s just a second! When I remember it, I can laugh by my self.

I don’t think that I can say I miss him (or miss x…) but I know and I can say that I l o v e him so much.… muachh!

Secrets

Goes here

People keep saying he has been brainwashed. Is it true? I don’t know…but inside my heart I hope he isn’t brainwashed. I’m not crazy, because if that is true, I’ll be very sad. It means Toshi left X because of something that wasn’t him. Do you ever think what Toshi really want in life? Did he enjoy his life while being with X? How his feeling during his time with X? He might feel great but he might also not. It’s a question that I’ll never know the answer unless one day he tells us. If he will ever do that. Also many questions here, which I won’t get the answers, forever…

When he mentioned about the emptiness. I ever felt such a feeling. A feeling like, where am I now? What am I doing here? No! It’s not my place! Where am I supposed to be? I felt so strange with my own environment. Felt like whole emptiness inside of me. And it’s something which was a bit scary for me that moment. It’s not my way. It’s not what I want to do in my life. I am trapped… imprisoned… but still I couldn’t let go off myself. And yes… I’m scared. I’m too scared to do everything I want to do in my life, I’m too scared to say NO!, I’m too scared to say my thoughts. I’m a coward. I think I am…

I’m also wondering about hide… What did he feel while being with X and a very beloved person… What exactly did he feel inside… He seemed to be in a very deep sorrow… Again … Questions that I won’t get the answer… Forever…

I never knew what Toshi’s thoughts are. What inside hide’s minds? Or any other x members. They are the only one who know their own secrets. History won’t change. So just let it like that. Don’t ruin their images by saying something we even don’t know. Who are we to judge them…